A Redwaller's Nutcracker
by The Crazili Obsessed
Summary: The Redwall universe stages the Nutcracker. Judith is directing, choreographing, and everything else the author says. Tchaikovsky is turning over in his grave. Oh boy. Oy vey.
1. How a Casting Call can Scar a Mind

**A/N: My first parody, happy day. Don't own anything except Judith and the Parody Redwall theory. Canon characters property of BJ, DAB property of….. Arven, I think. Not BJ. **

~~~[::]~~~

"WAKE UP!!!!!" screamed the author, yelling from a physical state of nothingness which she wasn't sure existed. The object of her efforts turned over in her sleep, leaving spikes embedded in the mattress.

"Oh, come ON!" groaned the said author, who will henceforth be referred to as…… actually, let's keep, 'the author' anyway. "NOBEAST sleeps this hard."

"Well, I do!" The author figuratively jumped, but Judith the high-strung hedgehog was already asleep again. The author solidified herself, lifting one of the hedgehog's arms experimentally. It flopped down by Judith's side. Not wanting to bother with anything else, the author conjured up a bucket of freezing water and dumped on her alter-ego.

"SPLLIFFYTTYT!" Judith sat bolt upright, spluttering. "Alright, alright, I'm awake, I'm bloomin' awake! Why je do that for?"

Smirking, the author shoved a stack of papers into her arms, ignorant of the spikes on each one of the said limbs. "This."

The hedgehog turned pinker than her embarrassingly-formerly-red-accidentally-bleached-lace-and-ruffles-nightgown. "Y-y-y-y-you were serious????!!!"

The author dissipated into nothingness again, calling after her, "You signed, Judith, you signed!!!!" in a way that was supposed to be menacing, but sounded ridiculous in actuality. Judith groaned.

"Stupid bet, stupid contract, stupid ballet/play/ performing arts in general obsessed human self……."

Mumbling the entire time, the hedgehog-maid ripped off her nightgown, tossing it in the MEND PLEASE box, and put on a dark tunic, a simple brown. She might need to disappear into Mossflower later. For fear of her life or sanity.

~~~[::]~~~

Abbot Mordalfus, commonly known as Alf, was strolling along the Redwall Abbey lawn, having an animated discussion with Abbot Saxtus about the pros and cons of having the Joseph bell reformed into two separated bells instead of one again.

"I tell you, Alf, it would have been best to just have it made into one single bell."

"Keep in mind that during that storyline we didn't have Joseph, and between Cluny and Matthias, it was cracked in two."

"Y' could have!"

"Couldn't!"

"Could've!"

"Not!"

"Have!"

"Not!"

"Have!"

The two mice simultaneously rolled back their habit sleeves, making fists with their paws, just as Ambrose Spike was passing by………….

"OWW! OH, ME PAW!"

Ambrose looked miffed. "Well, ye could have waited for me to pass afore you charged each other, now couldn't you?"

The Abbots ignored the hedgehog, dashing head-long to the pond, waving their burning paws in the air.

Mellus and Constance watched in amusement. "Aw, how cute. Two Abbots fighting over the bells like Dibbuns."

"Not really," corrected Mellus. "Dibbuns are a bit more like that." The badger pointed toward a certain window, where DAB was in the midst of another organized pillow fight.

"I see."

_DONG! DONG! DONG!_

The three bells in the considerably enlarged bell tower rang out their loud, brazen tones, calling everybeast in the Abbey to lunch. Which was a considerable amount, since-

"HAH! Beat you again, Cluny!"

"WHAATT?? Yore gonna pay, Sixclaw! EAT RYE!"

Well, I think that should explain it.

~~~[::]~~~

Judith listened from her perch half way to the battlements. _Stupid Parody Redwall. Stupid idea of have all canon go live in one place after their books are done. Stupid author having it like that…_…Struggling up the wall, she finally pulled herself into the Abbey grounds. As she ran down the stairs to the lawn, the nearest wicker gate caught her eye- or, more importantly, the fact it was open.

"Aw, dreck."

Mentally slapping herself for not using that way in the first place, Judith pulled out one of those sheets of paper the author had given her earlier. Tacking it up on the wall, she dashed away, putting up another as she passed the next wall. And the next. And next. And the trees in the orchard. And so on.

~~~[::]~~~

"VEIL!!!"

The ferret slunk over to his father, muttering, "Poison _one _beast, and you're blamed for every stinking little thing that goes wrong…"

Swartt pointed at the wall. "What is THAT supposed t' be, eh? Another little trick of yours?"

Veil looked at the sign plastered on the red stone, reading each line:

_**THE NUTCRACKER**_

_**The classic tale of love and fantasy**_

_CASTING FOR THIS WINTER'S PRODUCTION BEGINS TOMORROW AT 2:00!_

_ALL ROLES ARE AVAILIBLE!_

_OC'S AS WELL AS CANON CHARACTERS ARE WELCOME__!_

_No prior dancing, singing, or acting skills required!_

_Auditions are to be held in Mossflower Industry Complex Sector 5, Room 123612_

Veil looked at the older Sixclaw again, with a look of disbelief. "You really think I would be behind something like this?"

Swartt muttered something about not knowing for sure, and speedily exited.

All around the Abbey, beasts from all different timelines and books were viewing the selfsame message. Reactions were varied far and wide.

"This looks like fun…."

"Aw, c'mon, Nutcracker is for sissy babies…"

"Well, I have all of those skills…"

"WHERE IS MY TUTU!??!"

"Chickenhound, what have I told you about wearing that thing?"

"I DON'T CARE! AND MY NAME IS SLAGAR, MOM!!!!"

Mattimeo gave Slagar a look. "You have a _tutu?_"

"YEAH, AND I'M PROUD OF IT!"

Matti blinked. "Okay…. Hey, Mum, is it too late to move to a different part of Mossflower? These images are scarring my mind."

"Yes, dearie," said Cornflower not paying attention in the least, even when her son was jumping up and down on her footpaw. "Tomorrrow at 2, eh…."

~~~[::]~~~

**A/N: Finally done! This will be the hardest one to write out of all the chapters. I know it. Oh, in case you didn't notice and/or I made it too vague, OC's are welcome. Send me your character in a PM or a Review and I'll see what I can do. If you could include the following information:**

_**Name**_

_**Personality**_

_**ONE OR BOTH OF THE FOLLOWING TWO:**_

_**What part you would like them to have (and second choice)**_

_**What job you would like them to have (and second choice)**_

_**Any prior experience for either job/part (e.g. acting experience, took woodshop in high school, etc.)**_

**That would be very helpful.**

**The review button is right there, FYI. *coughcough***

**Until the next chapter!**


	2. A Bit of Auditions But Mostly Not

**A/N: Chapter 2. Word. Don't own Redwall, DAB, Ali, Seussical, Star Wars, Angry Caps mode, or anything else I'm forgetting.**

**Thanks to everyone who submitted their characters.**

**estrellaSMC- Sorry I couldn't get Garth in first thing. Can't find an audition song for him. Grah.**

**Everyone's characters will be used. Somehow. Promise.**

**Onward!**

~~~[::]~~~

Judith peeked out from the relative safety of the office, surveying the veritable mob of beasts in the lobby. She immediately wished she hadn't.

"Judith, I'm perfect for the part!"

"Hedgehog lady, when's this gonna start?"

"WHO TOOK MY TUTU!??!"

"You're wearing it, Chickenhound."

"IT'S SLAGAR, SELA!! MY FREAKIN' NAME IS SLAGAR!"

Judith slammed the door shut, clearly disturbed by the fox outside. She turned to the author, who was at the moment lounging in the comfy swivel chair, her legs upon the desk, and eating her breakfast. That is, Judith's breakfast.

"I like this chair; how much do you want for it?"

Fuming, she shoved the author none-too-gently onto the floor, headless of the spines protruding from her paws. "Oh, gerroff!"

"Sheesh, no need to get touchy, Judith," The author muttered, brushing down her clothes.

"Oh, is that so? Then, pray tell, WHY IN THE NAME OF FUR DOES SLAGAR HAVE A TUTU???"

The author shrugged. "He's clearly mental in _Mattimeo_, so why not have a bit o' fun with it?"

"BECAUSE IT MAKES MY EYES BLEED, THAT'S WHY!!!" roared Judith, making beasts outside wince and cover their ears. "And another thing! Nutcracker is a BALLET, NOT a bloody MUSICAL THEATRE PIECE!!"

The author stared at her fingernails nonchalantly, not caring that she was in a human form in the Redwall universe. This was almost a random humor fic, so why bother? "Oh, it isn't? Shame." She smiled in a half apologetic, half insanely evil way. "Oh well. I've already written some songs."

Judith faceplamed. "Oh, for the love of classical music, what did you do to Tchaikovsky's masterpiece?"

"Oh, nothing much…. Here, see for yourself." She threw her hedgehog alter-ego a large binder, filled to bursting with papers.

She ran her eyes over them, with said sight implements growing wider by the second. "You didn't."

"Do what?"

"Oh, neva mind. Get out of the story, you're not supposed to be here anyway. And I have," she gulped. "auditions to oversee."

"Suit yerself." The author snapped her fingers and pooffed out of existence. "So long, sucker."

"Oh, if you're gonna poof, take your voice with you, willyer!!??"

~~~[::]~~~

Cornflower paced back and forth in the lobby. It was much like the Great Hall back in the Abbey, but it wasn't Martin in the corner of the tapestry; there was an automated message board instead. Usually this would freak her out, but since fanfiction invaded Redwall, she learned to take these things in stride.

Martin, however, was less relaxed about it. "If they're going to put a message board where I'm supposed to be, why couldn't it be corkboard? No, it has to be human electric technology! This is Mossflower, people!" This was a cue for all of the grammar picky beasts to stare. "Err, beasts!"

Rose tried in vain to calm him down. "Martin—"

"Don't 'Martin' me! I'm going to complain to the Council!"

Rose sighed. He wasn't this high strung when they were written. At times like this she wanted to kick fanfiction into oblivion. Sure, she would be dead again, but at least Martin would be less up-tight.

Matthias noticed the pair out of the corner of his eye. _Aw, great. Competition._ Trying to be courteous, the mouse waved to them. "Hey, Martin!"

Martin waved back, thinking the same things that Matthias had been thinking a moment before. Walking over with Rose, he shook the other mouse's paw. "How's it going, Am That Is?"

Matthias's smile became strained, as Martin currently had the sword. "S good."

As the two mice warriors pumped each other's paws 'till they hurt, Rose and Cornflower attempted to socialize. "Hello, Rose. What are you and Martin here to try out for?"

"Well, we're vying for the two main parts. Y'know, Clara and the Nutcracker."

Like her husband, Cornflower's expression also became rather forced. "What a coincidence! Those are the parts me and Matthias are auditioning for!"

Rose replied through clenched teeth. "Oh, how lovely. I do hope you get some part, since me and Martin are going to get those.'

"Same to you."

The two mice looked murderous, as did their partners. Mattimeo, from his position in the middle of a group of young ones, hid.

~~~[::]~~~

"ATTENTION EVERYBEAST!" boomed a stereotypical announcer voice from the intercom. "Auditions will begin shortly. Will all please line up by audition number next to the tapestry, please." The voice might have said more, but it was unheard over the mad scramble to line up.

"Get out of my way!"

"Get out of MY way, stupid!"

"Who are ye calling stupid?"

"You, slobberchops!"

"Really?"

"No, the little fairy from the big isle across the fifth sea! Of course you, idiot!"

"Why you liddle..!"

In a remarkable short time, the line had turned into a full blown fist-fight. Various OC's were huddled in a corner, trying to not be killed.

"SECURITY!" yelled the stereotypical announcer's voice. The wall opened up and a squadron of Snowtroopers entered the lobby, subduing the brawlers with their rifles.

Judith nodded appreciatively. "Not canon, but effective." The OC's backed away. So did the remaining conscious beasts in the room.

"AS I WAS SAYING!!!!" shouted the stereotypical announcer's voice.

"What were you saying?"

"I DON'T KNOW!!"

"Then why did you say that?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"Why do you talk in all caps?"

"I DON'T-wait, I do?"

"Not anymore."

"Oh. Wait, who's talking to me?"

"You can't tell?"

"No, the author never said."

"Oh." The beast in question turned to the author, who had pooffed back into existence. "Er, who am I?"

"Hm…. I _think _you're Horton the Elephant from _Seussical_, but I'm not sure."

"Oh." The elephant shrugged. "Oh well." Suddenly, a plot-hole appeared and Horton was sucked back into his own fandom.

"Why would there be a plot-hole to begin with?" asked Keyla.

"I don't know."

"Oh."

"Eh, why are you here, Keyla?" asked the author.

"To ask you about the plot-hole. Gotta go, Nelvana is doing a cast reunion and I volunteered to set up." With that, Keyla poofed away. The author started to follow, when Judith came out with a large baseball bat.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!!!" ROARED JUDITH, GOING INTO ANGRY CAPS MODE (© Kelaiah) AND WHACKING THE AUTHOR WITH THE SAID BASEBALL BAT. "YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO POOF IN THE BEGINNING OF THE CHAPTER! NOT IN THE MIDDLE! GET OUT!!!!!"

The author disappeared, leaving a floating O in her place. Judith decided to ignore it and get on with the story.

"As I was saying," boomed the stereotypical announcer's voice, "Will-"

"Are you going to say what you said before you called security?"

"Yeah."

"THEN SHUT UP AND LET THIS GET TO THE GOOD PART!!!"

The stereotypical announcer's voice cringed.

~~~[::]~~~

"NEXT!!!"

Deesum sobbed dramatically as the Snowtroopers escorted her out the door, waving their rifles at Dwopple.

"Why are we waving our guns at Dwopple?" asked one trooper.

"I DON'T KNOW! NOW GET THEM OUT OF HERE!" roared Judith, dangerously close to Angry-Caps mode. The trooper started waving his gun at Dwopple again.

"NEXT!"

"You already said that," said some random beast.

"Are you next in line?"

"Well, no-"

"THEN GET OUT OF MY FACE!"

The animal fled. Judith sighed as she turned to her next vict- er, group of hopefuls.

"WHAT!!! I SAID NO GROUP AUDITIONS!"

"No you didn't," stated Gonflet clearly, staring up at the hedgehog. "The sign didn't say nothin' o' the sort."

Judith facepalmed yet again. Chugger wagged a paw at her. "That ain't good for your brain, y'know."

"Just. Shut. Up. Peoples." The group of young beasts, everyone from Ferdy and Coggs to the DAB dibbuns and back again, stared even harder at the hedgehog. "Eh, whatever. So, what are you auditioning for?"

Tess, elected spokesbeast for the group, was silent. Mattimeo prodded her. "C'mon, speak up, Tess!"

Tess pointed to her throat. For some reason, it was bandaged heavily.

"So THAT'S where you went during the fight."

Tess nodded. Her brother, Tim, took over her job. "We want to be the party children."

Judith blinked. "Eh?"

"The little beasts that run around, scare Clara half to death, and break the nutcracker doll?"

"Oh. So, show me what you got."

The group scurried about, putting chairs and boxes into their positions. Sam Squirrel ran up to the pianist, Alizera Song, an OC, and gave her some sheet music. Well, more like shoved it into her paws.

"Sure, don't tell Ali what ye want played, just let 'er at it, why doncha?" The squirrel grumbled, placing the music on the stand. Sam stuck his tongue out at her. "Scram, cheeky paws!"

Judith was chasing Dumble as he ran off with her swivel chair. "Give it back!!!"

When the chaos finally died down, the room was barely recognizable. Boxes and chairs and tables were strewn everywhere, including the swivel chair. "Stupid dormouse…" muttered Judith under her breath, now having to be content with a plastic stool instead.

The little beast were perched in various positions in the chaos, staying in the shadows and frozen in weird poses. Tim scurried up onto the swivel chair, and nodded to Ali. _Da da de da de da, ba bum, be dab e da……. _The opening bars of the numberplayed out the rickety old upright piano. Tim was giving a good impression of a bored teenager. Which, really, wasn't too hard to do. Then, suddenly, out popped Gonflet, decked out with a Dr. Seuss hat.

"You're sad!" Gonflet said, right in his ear.

"AUGH!!" screamed Tim, strangely timed with the beat.

"Oh, dear!" Gonflet look concerned in the way that people know is fake.

"AUGH!!!"

"Well, luckily for you, the CAT is here!" Gonflet struck a pose. Tim dived under the chair.

"AUGH!!!" Gonflet ignored the mouse, launching straight into the song.

"_Think of a day, _

_That is rainy and gray, and as dull as they come!" _Gonflet did a box step and fell flat on his face. Shrugging, he crawled after Tim, who inched away from him.

"_And there is nobody there,_

_And you're kicking a chair," _Tim had stood up and was now kicking chairs over, trying to keep a distance between himself and 'The Cat'. The other mouse got on his paws, not chasing Tim anymore.

"_And it's oh, so, ho-hum!"_ Gonflet picked up a stick and did one of them little vaudeville squat things with it.

"_Nothing to do," _(Insert more vaudeville moves in here.)

"_And nobody but you,_

_On a day that is flatter than flat!_

_Oh, that is a day for the Cat in the Hat!_ "

Tim stopped running, and was going around tapping the other kids- kits- cubs- oh, whatever!- on the shoulders, apparently unfreezing them. They started to mimic Gonflet's vaudeville routine as he continued singing.

"_Think of a house_

_As small as a mouse," _A small cardboard house dropped down behind Gonflet with a BANG, causing Judith to jump. The performers didn't notice. The mouse ducked inside said house, popping his head out the window. As he continued singing, his head bobbed from left to right on the downbeats. 

"_And as neat as a pin!_

_Oh, it's so tiny and clean, _

_If you know what I mean,_

_And your folks – are – not -in!" _Gonflet's house was pulled back up, carrying the mouse with it. He fell out of it, landing back on the floor.

"_No one but you," _(Still dancing)

"_Since a quarter to two,_

_And you've sat and you've sat and you've sat!_

_Oh that is the time for the Cat in the Hat!" _Now all of the others formed a conga line behind Gonflet.

"_The Cat in the Hat in the hat in the hat in the hat in the hat!" _The group did cartwheels across the floor, knocking over a good many chairs.

"_The Cat and the cat and the cat and the cat in the hat!" _(Cue wave, HSM2 style)

"_Think of a Day that is rainy and grey, _

_And I'll show you some tricks!" _

"'_Cause there is no one but you_

_And your folks aren't due _

_Till a quarter past six!" _Lame clock movement. Judith would have facepalmed, but she was too concerned about her swivel chair getting ruined to do so.

"_Bounce on the brink of whatever you think_

_And oh what could be better than that! _

_And that is the time for the cat in the hat!"_

Dance break, featuring lots of stunts, handstands, destruction of most boxes and chairs, and general chaos. Not that there wasn't enough already.

"_You've got a mind that is one of a kind," _They formed a can-can line this time, kicking and stepping and generally destroying the dance.

"_So why hide it away?_

_It's time to open the locks_

_And think out of the box _

_Because today is your day! _

_Bounce on the brink of whatever you think_

_And oh what could be better than that! _

_And that is the fun of a Cat in the Hat!"_

"The Cat in the Hat!" The group froze in place, waiting for applause.

"You aren't getting any."

They fell out of formation. Judith barged through them, retrieving her precious swivel chair. "If you made one little scratch one 'er I'll personally-" the hedgehog stopped talking. "Oh. Never mind." The group shrugged. They had seen crazier. As the author typed that, she realized she was short on gags, and made a note to ask for some ideas later. Judith shooed away the author's thoughts. Turning back to the youngsters, she looked at them quizzically. "That was pretty cool. How did you get that ready in half a day?"

Auma cut Tim off. "We made it up as we danced."

Judith fell flat on her back in disbelief. She quickly recovered, but she was stuck to the floor anyway. "A little help here?"

"Are we in?"

"Help me up?"

"Are we in?"

"Help me up?"

"Are we in?"

"Help me up?"

"Are we in?"

"Help me up?"

"Are we in?"

"GET ME UP OR YOU WON'T!!"

Jube smirked. "We're in."

"GET ME UP BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND!!!" The young ones ignored him, instead going out the door in that Hannah Montana 'Yay yay yay' circle thingy.

Judith growled. "Author, get me up."

The author didn't feel like pooffing in again, so she just typed her responses into the narrative section. No.

"Please?"

No.

"With strawberries on top?"

No.

"Popcorn, too?"

DON'T MENTION POPCORN!!! TYPED THE AUTHOR, NOW HERSELF IN ANGRY CAPS MODE. I CAN'T EAT IT!!!!! Coming out of Angry Caps mode, the author made Judith pop out of the ground.

"Thanks. Hey, wha-AAHHH!!!!"

The beasts outside heard the scream, and saw the sign on the door suddenly become SORRY, I'M OUT, COME BACK IN A HOUR, but they never saw what happened next. Judith found herself strapped to a dental chair, with a nurse leering over her.

"NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!"

The author smirked. _I should have put her through the agony of braces long, long ago……_

~~~~[::]~~~~~

**A/N: Heh. Judith hates me now, but she'll thank me later. I think.**

**Anyway, applications are still open, and look at what I found in the paper!**

**WANTED**

**SECURITY FORCE THAT STAYS WITHIN REDWALL CANON**

**CONTACT THE CRAZILI OBSESSED IN A REVIEW WITH ANY AND ALL RECOMMDATIONS**

**It seems urgent…. *HINTHINTHINT***

**Until the next one!**

**~Crazi**


	3. Some More Auditions

A/N: And….. It is the next chapter. Whee. XD

Again, I don't own any of the characters except Judith. The author doesn't count, since she's me…. Or something like that… But if Judith is my alter-ego… *mutter mutter*

BJ owns Redwall, Much Ado About Nonny owns Nonny, Sherman and Garth belongs to estrellaSMC, Jarrtail belongs Jarrtail, and… that's it.

~~~~[::]~~~~

Judith winced, clutching her jaw as she spun herself around and around in her stinking swivel chair-

"I heard that, y' know," said Judith, surprised that she could talk coherently. The author poofed into the sparsely furnished office, choosing to float near the ceiling with a bag of Lays instead of sitting on the floor, as there was no other furniture in the vicinity.

"I thought you were supposed to be overseeing the auditions." The author said around a handful of chips, stuffing them into her mouth greedily.

"I thought potato chips were off-limits."

"Weren't you listening?" The author shoved some more chips down her throat. "Can't eat anything that ends with –Itos. Lays are in-limits. Hey!"

Judith snatched the bag away from her, grabbing a pawful of Lays for herself. "Hey, I want some, too!" Pushing them-no, _forcing them_ into her digestive system, she chewed. And grimaced. The author laughed. "HA! You should see the look on yore face, ye greedy liddle hog!"

She growled. "Y' dith thath on purthpothe, dithn'th you?"

The author only smirked, showing her incisors. Even though they were being pulled downward by the strip of metal running across her teeth, the objects in question still looked a bit like fangs. "What do ya think?"

Judith muttered something incomprehensible as she fumbled for an ice pack. The author rubbed her face. "Don't do anything stupid, my mouth is starting to hurt from smirking."

The hedgehog grumbled under her breath, scribbling a note down. Finished, she shoved it at the author.

_Well, if UR so smart, Y dont U go & do it UR self??? _The author raised her eyebrows. "I didn't know you knew chatspeech." Judith glared. Ignoring her again, the author answered the initial question. "Because, it's funnier this way." The aforementioned hedgehog groaned. Tossing the ice pack away, she made for the door, dragging her swivel chair with her. "Hey, wait!"

"Whath?"

The author made a strange face, a mixture of smirking, giggling outrageously, and being a tad disgusted. "Number One, sucks on some M&M's. The lisp is annoying, and chocolate is supposed to help pain." The author waited a moment while Judith did so. "And Number Two, Nonny signed on the Moniter lizards in for a trial run."

Judith spilled her chocolates on the ground, gaping at the author in disbelief. "Y-y-you really wanted to use them?"

"Oh good, the lisp is gone. That was fast."

"Will you answer the question?!"

"No."

Judith stormed out of the room, spikes bristling and chocolate-painkiller forgotten. Shoving through the crowded corridor, and losing a good many spikes in process, the hedgehog burst into Accounting. "NONNY!" she bellowed, forgetting that the mousemaid in question was sitting right next to the door.

The fieldmouse stood up calmly, pushing her glasses up her nose. "What, Judith? I'm trying to get through the costs of costume material-"

"Did you or did you not hire the Moniters for security?" Judith looked like she was hyperventilating. One could visibly see the smoke coming out of her nostrils with each breath.

"Um, yeah, but-" Nonny stopped talking as she witnessed the blur of rage that was Judith hurtle out of her department. Sherman, the hedgehog in charge of costumes, - hence why he was there in the first place- turned to the fieldmouse.

"Suddenly, I think I should have taken the Rambling Rosehip Players' job."

Nonny nodded. "There better be a bunch of moneys on the other end of this… _thing._"

"So, is tulle in or out of the budget?"

"Depends. Will you make a tutu for Slagar if he ever asks?"

"No."

"Then it is."

~~~[::]~~~

Several rants and a couple of Yiddish curses later, Judith was back on her swivel chair, behind the non-descript standard wooden table, sitting through auditions. And not the best ones, either.

"…DILLWORTHEEE!!!!!" Dotti bowed to much applause, mostly because she was finished. Judith discreetly removed her earplugs, dropping them to the floor and crushing them under her footpaws.

Judith nodded to the Moniters to let the next beast in as she turned to Dotti. "That was very… interesting, Miss Dillworthy. We'll call you." Apparently satiated, the haremaid flounced out of the room, not seeing the longing glances the lizards threw her way. It was better, for her sake, that way.

Judith turned her attention to the squirrel that entered next, a shy, thin, red wisp of a thing. He didn't say anything, just handed Ali his music. The other squirrel grumbled about lead sheets and how stupid they were, but began to play anyway. The lights suddenly dimmed at the same time Judith realized her left contact had popped out , and much profanity was emitted as the squirrel began to sing.

"I don't pick up the mail,  
I don't pick up the phone,  
I don't answer the door,  
I'd just as soon be alone."

The wall lifted away to reveal an audience waving glow-sticks to the beat of the song. Everyone ignored them.

"I don't keep this place up,  
I just keep the lights down,  
I don't live in these rooms,  
I just rattle around.

"I'm just a ghost in this house.  
I'm just a shadow upon these walls.  
As quietly as a mouse I haunt these halls.  
I'm just a whisper of smoke.  
I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire,  
That once burned out of control,  
You took my body and soul,  
I'm just a ghost in this house."

The audience began singing along. Judith groaned. "Great."

"I don't care if it rains,  
I don't care if it's clear,  
I don't mind staying in,  
There's another ghost here."

More audience thingies.

Judith concentrated on the squirrel's voice. _Hm… nice bass voice…. Hm…._

"He sits down in your chair,  
And he shines with your light,  
And he lays down his head,  
On your pillow at night."

"I'm just a ghost in this house,  
I'm just a shadow upon these walls,  
I'm living proof of the damage,  
Heartbreak does.  
I'm just a whisper of smoke,  
I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire,  
That once burned out of control,  
And took my body and soul,  
I'm just a ghost in this house.  
Oh, I'm just a ghost in this house."

The audience went wild as the wall slid back together. Nobody in the room seemed to notice that they were ever there except Judith, who was looking rather nonplussed. The squirrel was still standing there, waiting for a verdict.

"Well," she began, "If you can just keep _that_ from happening again, you're in."

"What thing?"

"That thing, with the concert stage, and the glow-sticks…."

"Huh?"

Judith impaled the table with more spikes.

~~~[::]~~~

"NO! Bad lizards, BAD LIZARDS!"

Judith yanked the unfortunate Jarrtail from the Moniters' grasp, yelling about how she _knew _that this would happen, and that Ublaz better give them a refund, and the like. Jarrtail still had a death grip on his daggers, also muttering murderously.

Lask glared at Judith. "We were promized frezh meat in return for our zervicez."

"Meat as in FISH and SHRIMP. Not as in actors, idiots!"

The giant lizard stormed off down the hall, calling Judith several things that he probably wouldn't have said around his mother.

Then again, his mother might have tried to eat him.

Judith looked over the ferret. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just was about to be eaten, that's all." Jarrtail glared at her. "Really, you have to ask? Really?"

"Sorry," she mumbled.

"I should sue-"

"NO!" screamed Judith, her eyes widening with terror. "I mean, please don't do that. I'll let you into the production without the audition, I'll give you free tickets, anything!"

Jarrtail thought a moment. "I'll take the first option. I was going to audition, anyway. But if something like this happens again-"

"You'll sue, get a good lawyer that'll cream the rear end off of mine, and leave me poor and destitute on the metaphorical streets of Mossflower?"

"I was going to say that I would leave the show, but, hey that's a good idea! Thanks!"

As Jarrtail headed down the hallway, Judith wondered why she even got out of the bed in the morning.

"Because I make you," said the author.

"Aw, shuddup."


End file.
